Bill Gates

Jokes

"Serve G-d in Joy, come
before Him
in song"

Why Jews get ahead.

Bill Gates (about as Goyish as anybody can be) advertised for a new chairman of Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates show up at the job screening. They are assembled in a large room. Among them is Maurice Cohen, a French Jew, a small, bearded, bespeckled man.

Bill Gates thanks the candidates for coming but asks all those who are not familiar with the JAVA programming language to leave; 2000 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try".

Bill Gates then asks all those who have no experience of managing teams of more than 100 people to leave. Another 2000 people go. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?"

Then Bill Gates asks all candidates who do not have outstanding academic qualifications to rise and leave; 500 people remove themselves. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay? So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croat language to rise and leave; 498 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says himself, "I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the hell! Have I got anything to lose?" He finds himself alone with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who know JAVA, have managed large teams of employees, have advanced PhD degrees, and who can speak Serbo-Croatian. I'd like to hear you converse with one another in Serbo- Croatian."

Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Baruch ata Adonai."
The other candidate answers: "Elohénu melech ha'olam."

===============

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a rabbi in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The rabbi agreed and asked to see them individually.

The mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the rabbi in the afternoon.
The rabbi, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is G-d?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The rabbi repeated the question. "Where is G-d?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the rabbi raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is G-d!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real big trouble this time! G-d is missing, and they think we did it!"

================


A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

Shabbat Shelach
May 31, 2013

Lunch N Learn.
Come N Join.

Mondays 12:00 p.m. you will expand and deepen your appreciation for life. $5.00.
Fill ur mind and ur stomach
its a no Brainer.
Satisfaction GUARANTEED

Fri. Night Services 7:30 p.m.
Days 10:00 a.m. followed by kiddush

Warmest wishes for a
Shabbat Shalom.
Kosher Caffeine - by Rabbi Shlomo Ezagui
www.koshercaffeine.com

Are you one of those, afraid to say you believe in G-d?



So many people talk about Mother Nature, the force out there, call it whatever you want.... What are they talking about? Are these people ascribing power to the unknown, blindly?

Believe there is a solution to every problem, and if you think positive it will be positive. Last time I checked, people are dying left and right suddenly, unexpected, in accidents illnesses etc. They haven't seen any answers to, their problems. People in hospital beds, thinking all the positive in the world and dying anyway.

You ever hear of statistics and probabilities? When was the last time anyone was ready to throw a thousand dollars at a company stock on the basis of, thinking positive? If 75% of the times chances are to the negative, you really have to be blind to think totally positive.

Why is it people are so afraid to use the word, G-d? The moment G-d is introduced, "you must be a religious fanatic. Some throw back or something." The last time I heard the news, people were killing each other for life insurance policies, robbing stores for its money, or just plain going nuts and going on killing rages because of negative influences stemming from horror movies and/or drugs.

Maybe the throw back and problem isn't G-d after all? Perhaps what's causing some in our society to be living like cave men, the culprits are, money, drugs, and horror movies?

According to the latest polls 90 % of Americans believe in G-d. So why are we so afraid to say so, in our schools and in public and to our friends?

Once a King was speaking to his advisor about the possibility of a G-d. By mistake he tipped over the ink wells on the table in front of him and they spilled on his royal clothes and on the table in front of him. The king excused himself to change his clothes. The advisor quickly cleaned up the mess on the table and came up with a brilliant idea.

As an accomplished artist he drew in the place of the ink mess a beautiful picture of the gorgeous landscape as seen through the windows of the palace. When the king came back he asked the advisor, what happened on the table, where did the beautiful picture come from? The advisor told the king that the ink that spilled over, formed itself into the sophisticated picture.

The king told the advisor to stop pulling his leg. It is impossible that inanimate ink could form itself into exact precise locations and intelligently make itself. "Only someone with a great mind and talent could draw such a beautiful portrayal of my garden" said the king.

The advisor then told the king, "Why should anyone be thinking differently when it comes to the beautiful landscape of the huge universe in all its precision and beauty?"

No one would ever believe a novel of a thousand pages that keeps every reader in suspense from page one to the very last paragraph and includes so much wisdom came together just randomly by all the letters falling into place. Why then should we think the universe with infinitely so many more components and so much more complex and complicated than the most difficult text book, happened randomly?

All this is besides the personal testimony of countless otherwise intelligent scholars and sages over the generations who have personally experienced and communicated with what they have clearly said, was the One and Only, G-d.

People hesitate to use G-d because, if there is a G-d, we must be beholden to Him, and for some people that's pretty scary. Truth is, when viewed properly, the thought and acceptance in our heart that there is a G-d is extremely comforting. Using every opportunity to strengthen our relationship with G-d is most fulfilling and gratifying.

More next week.

Living with the Rebbe.
The Rebbe Writes,
Living in, and with this world.



The Torah portion Shelach recounts the familiar story of the spies who were sent by Moses to investigate the land of Canaan prior to its Divinely-ordained conquest. Although each spy was personally chosen by Moses and each was quite familiar with G-d's promise, ten of the 12 defied the Alm-ghty's will and told the people that the land was unconquerable. Even further, their fear of the Canaanites was so profound, the Talmud tells us, they said: "The inhabitants are stronger than Him" - even the Almighty could not conquer them!

How could the spies possibly make such a statement? These were men of faith and understanding; they were righteous men and wise men. What is the source of an error of this magnitude?

There is a classic parable which describes the process of becoming lost. One doesn't suddenly find himself in the depths of the dark, trackless forest. Instead, one deviates from the familiar, broad highway only a step at a time. Gradually and imperceptibly, one strays farther and farther from the road until one ends up in the forest. This is what happened to the spies: they started out as wise and righteous princes of their tribes, who knew the will and power of the Almighty, and they ended as "rebels."

What was the original step - the original hair-breadth of their error?

According to Rabbi Shneur Zalman, founder of Chabad, their first imperceptible error consisted of an unwillingness to become involved in the mundane world. In the desert, they were well isolated from the world of hardships - they "had it made." A miracle fed them (manna), a miracle gave them water (Miriam's well), a miracle provided them with clothing, and miraculous clouds hid them from their enemies. But once in Canaan, their very first task would be to wage war - an effort which wasted time and energy - even if the Almighty miraculously prevented serious casualties and bloodshed. This time and effort could better be devoted to the study of Torah.

Moreover, once the war was won, they would be required to plow and sow and tend vineyards. Quite understandably, the spies hesitated to leave the desert in order to enter the material world. In the desert they could devote all of their time and energy to Torah.

By distinction, Moses (who reflected Divine will) insisted that the Jews leave the desert and settle in the Land of Israel. The ultimate aim and fulfillment of Torah is deed! The culmination of Torah is its actualization and implementation in the real world. It is not sufficient to become involved in Torah theory. On the contrary, the land of Canaan with its 31 different cultures (all alien to Torah) had to be actually, practically conquered to make it a Holy Land - to integrate theory and practice into a unified entity.

This minor error of the spies - their adherence to a philosophy which divorced theory from practice and the spiritual from the material, was their first wrong step;
other steps followed until their reasoning became so perverted that they came to make the absurd statement that "The inhabitants are stronger than Him.
Adapted from the works of the Lubavitcher Rebbe

It Once happened
The humiliating defeat of Napoleons army.......
In the year 1812 Napoleon stood at the pinnacle of his career. He had successfully swept through Europe and his conquests were the conversation of kings and peasants alike. Finally, his campaign led him to the gates of Russia and the vast, primal giant lay before him. In Russia he would meet a double foe, the huge armies of the Czar and perhaps, a more dangerous and formidable enemy, the vicious frigid winds and snows.

Opinions of the Emperor were divided: the so-called "enlightened" Jews looked forward to his victory with high hopes for the emancipation of the Jews. The Torah-faithful looked with fear and suspicion upon the man who was regarded as a danger to the survival of their way of life.

In his sweep eastward, Napoleon passed through the town of Volozhin where the tzadik (righteous person) Reb Chaim lived. The town was deserted, the wealthy gentile inhabitants having fled before the approaching troops. Only the Jews remained. Napoleon sent his officers through the town to locate and appropriate lodgings.

Since the finer houses were tightly locked and barred, they made their way into the Jewish quarter. One of the officers spotted a light in one of the buildings, which, unbeknownst to him, was a study hall. When he entered, he saw a man sitting by the light of a candle, leaning over a large tome, deeply engrossed in his studies.

The officer addressed the man in German: "We have heard very amazing things about the rabbi of your town. The Emperor Napoleon wishes to meet him."

"Reb Chaim is here, sitting before your Excellency," replied Reb Chaim. "However, I do not perform any wonders, I merely spend my time studying our Torah."

The soldier listened politely, but then answered in a stern tone, "Remain here until the Emperor summons you, or else you will pay the consequences."

Not long after, Reb Chaim was escorted to the house where Napoleon had set up command. The Emperor entered and engaged Reb Chaim in conversation: "I do not believe that you are any kind of a miracle worker, but I do believe that you are a man of rare wisdom and insight. On that basis I would like to have your opinion as to how my campaign in Russia will end. What will be the result of my advance into Russia?"

Napoleon could see in Reb Chaim's eyes a distinct unwillingness to respond. Who could know the wrath that could fall upon him? Napoleon reassured him: "Please, speak your mind freely, without fear."

Reb Chaim looked at the Emperor and replied, "Your Majesty, we Jews fear only G-d, for it is His hand that directs the entire world, even the ways of worldly kings. I will answer your question with a story: There was once a nobleman who traveled on a journey in a great carriage pulled by four strong horses.

Suddenly, one of the horses fell in the mud. In his desperate effort to stand, he pulled the other horses down into the mud, and with them, the carriage, driver, and passengers.

"A moment later a peasant farmer happened by in his cart pulled by three skinny horses. When these horses saw the other horses struggling and neighing in the deep mud, they panicked and would have also slipped into the mire, but the farmer quickly whipped them and they righted themselves.

"The nobleman had been watching the whole scene and he cried from his carriage, 'Why is it that your skinny nags pulled your wagon out of the mud, whereas my strong horses are unable to pull out my carriage?'

"'If your Excellency will forgive my asking, where did you get your horses?'

"'Why these are the finest horses money can buy. One is an Arabian, one is a Persian, one is a pedigreed Hungarian and the fourth is from a famous Russian stable.'

"'Well, that explains it. You see, your horses all come from a different part of the world and don't feel any connection to one another. My horses, on the other hand, are just plain horses. But they come from the same family and the same stable, so they're like brothers. When I whip one, the others jump to his side.'

"Sire," continued Reb Chaim, "your army is great and vast, composed of soldiers from many different lands. Princes and kings from the world over have joined your forces. The Tzar's army is nothing by comparison. They lack the weaponry, the fine uniforms and training your soldiers have. The difference is that they are all from one people and one land and their loyalty is entirely to the Czar and the Motherland."

Reb Chaim had made his point in the gentlest, but clearest way. Napoleon had new food for thought, but the thoughts were disconcerting. The truth of Reb Chaim's words were soon borne out in the terrible, humiliating defeat which Napoleon's troops suffered in Russia, a defeat from which the Emperor never recovered.

Candle Lighting.
Candle Lighting time in
North Palm Beach Florida

 

May 31, 2013
7:51 p.m.
Shabbat is over
8:49 p.m.
Quick Fix Inspiration from the Lubavitcher Rebbe
"Saint in a Fur Coat"?

Have you ever heard of the "Saint in a Fur Coat"?

He sits in his house by a fireplace full of wood. But there is no fire. The house, and everyone in it are shivering from the cold. All except for him. He dons a fur coat and he is warm.

So we ask him, "Why do you warm only yourself? Why not kindle the wood in your fireplace and warm others as well?"

He answers, "It is not just this house. The entire world is struck with a bitter, cold wind.

Do you expect me to warm up an entire world?"

So we tell him that he does not have to warm up the entire world. But perhaps he could warm up one other individual. Perhaps two. Perhaps he could warm up one little corner of the world.

"For a person such as I," he replies, "it is not fitting to warm up only one corner."

And so there he sits, in his cold, dark house,
all comfy in his fur coat.

Moshiach Matters.

In our present time, we are not experiencing persecution, G-d forbid, and we are living in prosperity and affluence. This can sometimes be an even greater trial and test - will we remain loyal to G-d even when living in physical comfort?
However, the fact that in the time of "the footsteps of Moshiach" our Divine service is more difficult, proves that we were empowered and have the ability to overcome all obstacles, because G-d does not make unreasonable demands of His creations.
Because of our tenacity in fulfilling G-d's will even though our spiritual awareness is very limited, we will merit the immediate redemption.

(Sefer HaMaamarim-Kuntreisim vol 1)
Action -
Counts the most.
This land is very, very good... only rebel not against the L-rd (Num. 14:7-9)
The Land of Israel is unique, for it simultaneously embodies two opposites:

On the one hand, its sanctity enables the individual to reach levels of holiness not attainable anywhere else in the world.

Yet at the same time, if a person allows his evil inclination to rule, he will become even more degraded than if he lived elsewhere.


(Rabbi Moshe Tzvi of Savran)